Don’t judge people for not being in therapy

A man questions if his partner's lack of therapy is a red flag, highlighting a trend where mental health awareness influences dating choices.

MUMBAI: A thirty-two-year-old male client told me: “I met someone recently and I felt a connection. She seems the kind of person I want to get to know, spend time with and eventually even establish a life together. Over the years I have begun to realize how therapy has helped me find myself and deal with my own baggage. But she hasn’t done therapy ever, and I’m wondering if it’s a red flag. She doesn’t feel the need for it. I’m wondering if I need to be worried about this.”

Don’t judge people for not being in therapy

Over the last seven to eight years, this concern has shown up in many therapy sessions. Amongst various criteria that young people have for potential partners, one of them today, includes finding someone who is mindfully investing in their mental health. That’s why for some people, a mention of therapy is part of their profile on dating apps.

I have been hearing and observing this trend for the last few years but I have mixed feelings about it. We are living at a time where mental health is being prioritized and more openly talked about.

As someone who started work in 2004, this is refreshing because it’s good to see people seek timely help, enter therapy from a place of curiosity and openness, and not shame. At the same time, I feel we are moving towards a dangerous position where we think therapy is the only way people can work on themselves. The idea that it is non-negotiable when it comes to finding a potential partner is problematic. It cannot become a yardstick for judging people or a parameter for gauging how capable people are of doing self-work. This is something I tell my clients too – that seeking therapy is a private choice, and it’s completely alright not to express it on social media and dating apps, but keep it within a closed circuit.

The process of seeking therapy, costs attached to it and then finding a therapist that’s a good fit is a complex one. So, we need to catch ourselves when we begin to judge others based on whether they go to therapy or not.

Therapy is one of the ways for people to work on their mental health – it is needed and has value when it comes to dealing with debilitating anxiety, depression, complex trauma, grief and helping clients learn, master a toolkit and techniques that help people navigate difficult overwhelming scenarios. Having said that, there are many other ways people can deal with concerns of adulting and going through life transitions. In the context of dating and matters of love, it is essential, if not powerful, to explore and engage in a dialogue with a potential partner about their social life, their relationship with friends and their support systems. This can offer a glimpse into how they navigate loneliness, if they can be vulnerable with friends and the value they attach to relationships.

Adulting is tough and as we deal with the curve balls life keeps throwing at us, we develop self-soothing techniques and mechanisms that work for us – ask potential partners what helps them when they are feeling low and what comes in the way of their wellbeing. A friend who has never been to therapy told me that engaging in art and dance has been her anchoring, another said having a couple of close friends and a strong spiritual practice has been enough. When beginning to date someone, look for people’s ability to be aware and introspect. Exploring their relationship to conflict, repair and flexibility also offers insight.

Adulting is recognizing that different strokes work for different folks – so learning to acknowledge that everyone doesn’t need to be in therapy to be a good partner is crucial.