Do you snap at loved ones and stay calm around strangers often? Relationship coach shares 3 reasons why this may happen

Your loved ones may be at the receiving end of your temper, compared to strangers. Find out why this happens.

Is your partner or family member more often than not your emotional dumping ground? If you are being an unreasonable, irritable Karen with your loved ones, while the strangers get a free pass always, the reasons are more neurological than you think. As you lash out at those you love the most, the resultant guilt surfaces soon after, making you feel bad for being angry.

Sometimes you end up hurting those who you love the most. (PC: Shutterstock)

Delving deep into this dilemma and why some are more tolerant towards strangers like coworkers, relationship coach Kyle Cox, who frequently shares insights on relationship troubles, revealed in an August 25 post three reasons why this double standard may exist.

1. Emotional safety testing

In a way, the reason why you act differently is that your brain behaves differently depending on who you are with. Kyle noted that the brain is more relaxed around people you trust.

He explained, “Your brain knows these people won't leave, so it drops its social mask. With strangers, your prefrontal cortex stays on high alert, filtering everything. With loved ones, it relaxes your raw emotional state leaks out, you are not mean, you are just 'unfiltered.”

The trust is so deep-rooted that you know whatever you say won't push them away, and you can be yourself. Now this level of trust is not with strangers, and the brain stays within the safety net of ‘polite mode.’ The thoughts are filtered also as a way to protect oneself from judgments of strangers.

2. Proximity trigger accumulation

He also pointed out a concept called ‘proximity trigger accumulation.’ This refers to a ‘library’ brain keeps. He explained, “Every tiny annoyance with someone you see daily gets stored in your amygdala. Your brain builds a library of micro irritations, which is why your partner's chewing sends you into rage, but a stranger's doesn't. Your brain has thousands of chewing moments stacked up, creating emotional compound interest."

So, because you are close to your loved ones more, your brain files away every little detail and sometimes repetition of any kind may set you off, making it more likely to lash out. You may encounter a stranger chews wildly for the first time, but you may have been dealing with your partner's awful chewing sounds for months, possibly years, making you more likely to snap instantly.

3. Sometimes it is not about anger

If you are feeling guilty about why your temper runs high with loved ones more, Kyle revealed that your brain is using them as a safe space to release stress. He said, “Fighting with someone safe feels better than holding internal chaos. You are not angry at them, you are using them as an emotional lightning rod, that's why you feel closer after fights, your nervous system just used them to regulate itself, then rewards you both with bonding chemicals.”

In a way, surprisingly, you are letting off the steam in a safe way. And after conflicts, after you have vented everything out, you feel calm and closer to your loved one. It releases the tension you may have been holding.

Note to readers: This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them. This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.