Woman is upset husband is keeping Karwa Chauth vrat but not telling family to avoid ‘joru ka gulam’ tag; Reddit reacts

A woman expresses distress after feeling disrespected by her husband during their wedding. Reddit users advise her to let go of minor grievances.

A young woman has shared her distress over a series of incidents in her marriage that, she says, have left her questioning her respect for her husband. She took to popular subreddit r/InsideIndianMarriage for help. However, Reddit seems to think that she is inviting issues into her marriage. Even a relationship coach HT Lifestyle spoke to called it a ‘very tricky situation’.

A woman is upset that her husband is keeping Karwa Chauth vrat but not telling his family about it. (Alena Darmel )

Wife shared her dilemma with Reddit

Married for a year, the woman, 29, recalls that her relationship began with a strong bond and a year-long courtship. However, she describes one moment on her wedding day that “still holds a bitter taste.”

“During my varmala, while I was walking up to the stage, I saw all my husband’s cousins sitting on the stage and my sister-in-law on the chair that I was supposed to sit on, demanding money. This was apparently a rasm (custom) that is very famous in the Punjab side that I wasn’t aware of. I am a Himachali,” she said in a post she titled, ‘I [29 female] need help understand my new marriage’.

What was meant to be light-hearted “friendly banter” dragged on for so long that, according to her, she felt humiliated. “I looked at my husband multiple times to see if he would take a stand and ask his side to end it, but he didn’t even look me in the eyes,” she recalled. The matter ended only when a friend brought her a different chair.

She confronted her husband about the incident several times after marriage. He apologised, saying he was nervous. “He told me that he was sorry,” she said, but the hurt lingered.

The issue resurfaced recently when she playfully asked him if he would observe Karwa Chauth for her. “He said that he would but wouldn’t tell his parents since they would think that he is a ‘Joru Ka Gulam (henpecked husband)’,” she revealed.

For her, the remark reopened old wounds. “I was left aback and asked him if this was the same reason why he didn’t take a stand for me during our wedding? He told me he was kidding, but I know that he wasn’t,” she explained.

Now, she admits to feeling shaken. “He is losing respect from me and I feel very shi**y. I honestly would want you all folks to tell me if this is okay or something that I should not let slide away,” she wrote.

What is Reddit's advice?

Redditor did not think she has any reason to pick up fights with her husband. One person told her to 'pick her battles'. “You really need to pick your battles. There are so many rasms in Indian wedding that don’t make any sense. Imagine a soon to be husband glaring at the bride during joota churai. Whole internet would call him a red flag with anger issues and ask her to dump him… why do you care if your husband tells his parents about the vrat? What would that even do? Do you want a performative husband that shows you/love off? If yes, you have to communicate that,” wrote a person.

Another echoed the sentiment, “I thought ppl are getting married late (beyond 24-25) because they wanted to become mature but here we are at age of 29, making issue of nothing because “everything else is working fine and on reddit everyone is putting out their problems so why not me also although there is no problem in my life. You can keep disrespecting him for no reason and ruin your own happiness and a 2 set of families or become mature and see no problem where none exists.”

One simply said, “I suggest you not to ruin a good marriage. With this kind of small things.” A person was shocked at the issue she was so upset by. “OP, just wow! There’s a million different struggles that couples go through in real life but you seem to be picking up fights on non-issues. More than you, one must wish Good luck to your husband for the road ahead,” they wrote.

What should she do?

When asked about the woman's Reddit post, Sidhharrth S Kumaar, relationship coach at NumroVani, told HT Lifestyle, “This is a very tricky situation that appears to be simple, but is not really that simple. This is something that is very common when two people who come from different cultures and emotional conditioning marry. To win over these in the long run, we would need honest, authentic, and transparent communication with each other.”

He added, “Both partners need to make a visible effort to adapt and understand each other’s cultures instead of expecting the other to adjust first. The husband should work on being more emotionally present and not let his perceived social image dictate how he supports his partner. The wife, in turn, can focus on choosing her emotional battles wisely and not let every cultural difference feel personal. A simple starting point could be curating a weekly ritual wherein both share each other’s customs, culture and tradition to win as a team together. Both partners need to speak to each other, and should seek help in navigating these touch points early on, before it becomes a red flag due to a perceived problem.”

Note to readers: This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.

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