Less is core: Are many of us simply doing self-care wrong?

Infrared blankets, hyperactive apps, spa treatments that feature caviar and diamond dust… how did things get so complicated? An essay by Ambi Parameswaran.

What makes us happy?

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In his book Authentic Happiness (2002), psychologist Martin Seligman of University of Pennsylvania defines happiness as a state made up of positive emotions, positive engagement and a sense of meaning.

His research birthed a new field of study: Positive psychology, born of the idea that this branch of medicine need not focus only on illness and dysfunction. It could also aid humans in their search for well-being and fulfilment.

Long before this, in 1970, molecular biologist Jon Kabat-Zinn pioneered secular mindfulness training with the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) programme born at University of Massachusetts and since deployed around the world.

I got a taste of it while enrolled in Harvard Business School’s advanced management programme in 2014. Mindfulness training there involved lectures, meditation sessions and exercise. (The dozen-plus participants from India, who had been brought up on a heavy dose of meditation did not find this of great interest, but for the others from 50+ countries, it was an “aha” moment.)

Amid the growing the strain of our eternal-growth economies, alongside terms such as “work-life balance” and “wellness”, such practices came to define “self-care”.

The pressures have only intensified since. Amid growing anxieties and uncertainties, paired with 70- and 80-hour workweeks, efforts have intensified to beat back the stress. This has, perhaps inevitably, locked into the hypercapitalism that underpins our world — with the odd result that self-care has become competitive, performative and tied to consumption.

New offerings range from exorbitant gym memberships that come with a range of accessories and ingestibles to dramatic treatments and aids: special pillows and infrared blankets; teas, apps, crystals in skincare; spa treatments featuring caviar and diamond dust.

Increased affluence and better education have raised awareness of mental health and this has added to the sense that we must “do something”. Parents worry about their teens. Spouses worry about each other. Companies worry about productivity and make the right noises, though that is really where self-care efforts could begin (let us say it plainly: with some let-up in hours).

The pandemic has intensified our anxieties and isolation. Artificial intelligence has added to them. We work from home and worry about our jobs, shop from home and worry about EMIs. Amid it all, we lose out on vital human connection.

In its place, we lean on mushrooming devices and apps.

We chuckle heartily at a silent Instagram screen. Track our steps and watch our heartbeats. Receive reports about disrupted circadian rhythms and elevated blood pressure.

The phone pings with more solutions: new cars to take you further than ever, massagers, loungewear, free miles on new credit cards, shoes to take you running.

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Lakme had a campaign in the early 1980s that went: Looking Good and Feeling Great with Lakme. L’Oreal has: Because You’re Worth It.

Today, Cult.fit has a Supermind level that promises mental, physical and spiritual well-being, through a mobile app, with guided meditation, sleep stories, breathwork and home workouts.

Trekking, sailing, deep-sea diving are all being reimagined as self-care. The industry has grown wings.

I have a friend who, every two weeks, follows an elaborate ritual at his club: haircut, massage, sauna and steam, then home to snooze for two hours. Another friend spends two weeks at a spa resort each year. He calls it his “recharge” routine.

The popular series White Lotus is set in resorts that similarly help one pander to the self and unplug, even confiscating all devices at check-in (with chaotic results that drive the show’s plot, in a telling comment, each season, on the state of our lives today).

The truth is that the need for self-care is deep-rooted and genuine, as stress levels rise rather than levelling out in the workplace and the world, and as the threat of AI adds to the sense of uncertainty. We crave a sense of control and empowerment, and the experience of everything being “okay enough” to relax.

I expect that companies that already offer wellness packages, counselling, health checks and gym memberships to employees will soon set up “positive health” divisions, to help employees find ways to keep going. Industries operating in the wellness and self-care space will continue to expand their offerings and grow. Anything that isn’t work will likely be rebranded thus, and monetised.

My advice: Seek genuine human connection, even if it is a weekly lunch at the same local restaurant with the same group of friends, or a quiet evening outdoors with a book.

If one can find a way to put down the devices and stop being either product or consumer, that will mark a good start. Build a weekly calendar of coffees with a friend, walks with loved ones, time spent in quietude, pursuing a hobby or gentle activity.

Now check the price tags. Which of the options before you costs nothing, or costs the least? Start there. Such a routine will be self-care enough for all of us.

(Ambi Parameswaran is a bestselling author, advertising veteran and independent brand coach. His latest book is Marketing Mixology)