Relationship expert says the real reason couples drift apart isn’t sex or communication: ‘You don’t feel known anymore'
Feeling distant from your partner? A relationship expert reveals the overlooked reason closeness fades and how staying curious can bring it back.
You're still together, sharing a home, a routine, maybe even a future but something feels off. The spark is dimmer, conversations are shorter, and that effortless closeness you once had seems to be slipping away. Sound familiar? You're not alone. According to relationship expert Jeff Guenther, there's often one powerful yet overlooked reason why many couples feel emotionally distant over time. (Also read: Dating coach explains why compatibility matters more than chemistry in relationships: ‘Don’t chase the instant spark' )
In his June 12 Instagram post, Jeff shared insight from his 20 years of experience, “What is the number one reason your relationship doesn't feel as close as it used to? Well, I can tell you, it's not because you're having less bedroom time. It's not because you don't say 'I love you' as much. And it's definitely not because that's just what happens in long-term relationships.”
What's actually missing and why it matters
Jeff explains that the real issue isn't about romance or routine, it's about feeling known. "You don't feel known anymore. Like really, truly known. And research backs this up. Feeling truly and intimately known by your partner is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction," he says.
{{/usCountry}}Jeff explains that the real issue isn't about romance or routine, it's about feeling known. "You don't feel known anymore. Like really, truly known. And research backs this up. Feeling truly and intimately known by your partner is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction," he says.
{{/usCountry}}He continues, "Sure, you might know their go-to Taco Bell order or their all-time favourite song. But do they understand what makes you feel grounded? What makes you feel insecure or wildly alive? Because when we don't feel known, we start to drift. We keep things surface-level. We become emotional coworkers, politely managing the calendar and the trash but not touching the deeper stuff."
What to do if you don't feel known
{{/usCountry}}He continues, "Sure, you might know their go-to Taco Bell order or their all-time favourite song. But do they understand what makes you feel grounded? What makes you feel insecure or wildly alive? Because when we don't feel known, we start to drift. We keep things surface-level. We become emotional coworkers, politely managing the calendar and the trash but not touching the deeper stuff."
What to do if you don't feel known
{{/usCountry}}Jeff urges couples not to wait for some magical moment of reconnection. "You stop waiting to be magically seen, and you start showing up with depth," he says.
{{/usCountry}}Jeff urges couples not to wait for some magical moment of reconnection. "You stop waiting to be magically seen, and you start showing up with depth," he says.
{{/usCountry}}Here are a few conversation shifts he suggests:
- Instead of "How was your day?" ask, "What felt good about today? What didn't?"
- Instead of another night of mindless TV, try "What's something you've been thinking about lately that I might not know?"
- Feeling bold? Ask, "When do you feel most loved by me and when do you feel invisible?"
"Yes, it's a little intimate," Jeff says. "But that's the point."
Stay curious, always
He ends with a gentle reminder: "Long-term closeness doesn't come from knowing each other's favourite snack or the podcast they're obsessed with. It comes from staying curious over and over again. So if your relationship feels off, don't just say, 'We need to communicate more.' That's not really it. Say, 'I want to know you better, still, again, and always."
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.
