Therapist with 45+ years of experience shares ‘1 thing’ that quietly destroys your life
After 45 years of counselling clients, therapist Jerry Wise reveals the one hidden pattern of behaviour that silently destroys peace, happiness, and self-worth.
We often blame bad luck, stress, or difficult people for our unhappiness. But what if the real reason life feels harder than it should has nothing to do with the world around us and everything to do with what's happening inside us? With more than 45 years of experience, therapist and relationship expert Jerry Wise revealed in his October 22 Instagram post the one subtle behaviour pattern that, he says, quietly sabotages happiness and ruins lives. (Also read: Psychiatrist shares how late-night scrolling, anxiety and stress are fueling a sleep crisis among Gen Z )
What is enmeshment and how does it begin
"Enmeshment is the invisible glue that keeps everyone emotionally fused," says Jerry. In narcissistic and dysfunctional families, Wise explains, enmeshment makes it nearly impossible to tell where you end and others begin. Your identity becomes an extension of theirs, shaped, controlled, and often silenced by emotional loyalty.
"As a child, you weren't allowed to develop your own self," he says. "You had to think, feel, and act the way your family wanted or face guilt, shame, anger, or rejection." This emotional control keeps you loyal, small, and afraid to be authentic. Narcissistic parents, Wise adds, often use enmeshment to stay in control, turning children into caretakers, scapegoats, or golden children who manage their moods and absorb their anxiety.
How does enmeshment affect you as an adult
The cost shows up in adulthood. "You feel responsible for everyone's emotions. You doubt your own thoughts. Even small acts of independence feel like betrayal," Wise explains. Enmeshment also takes a deep emotional toll. A single look, text, or tone can hijack your mood. You live in constant reactivity instead of calm self-regulation.
And while many people reach a point of understanding their family dysfunction, awareness alone isn't enough. "You don't need more insight about your family," Wise says. "You need to build a separate self."
The antidote? Self-differentiation. Wise defines it as staying connected without being consumed. "You can love others without losing yourself and stay calm even when they're reactive."
How to break free
To start breaking free from enmeshment, Wise suggests:
- Observe the pull — don't absorb it.
- Define yourself apart from guilt.
- Build self-awareness of your own thoughts and feelings.
- Practice calmness — the ultimate circuit breaker.
And when you finally detach from enmeshment, Wise says, you rediscover peace, "You stop living as an emotional extension of others. You make decisions from clarity, not fear. You feel calm, even when others don't."
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
