Why do men struggle to open up to their own friends? Psychologist suggests 5 tips to talk about your feelings
Men often find it hard to talk about their feelings. Check out these expert-approved tips to communicate your emotions better.
Talking about how you feel can be deeply cathartic, especially with friends. Women easily spill their hearts out to their best friends, sharing everything from their deepest fears to their daily stressors without thinking twice, but men often shy away from emotionally vulnerable conversations.
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Men may animatedly debate superhero timelines, conspiracy theories, dream cars, gym routines, politics and everything under the sun. But when it comes to expressing how they actually feel, that's where they draw the line. And if things get too close for comfort, they deflect with a quick self-deprecatory or dark humour joke.
So why do men hold back from expressing themselves? What is keeping them from admitting that they are struggling with something? Why do they dearly cling to this idea of nonchalance?To understand why men may hesitate to be candid about their emotional struggle with their own close friends, HT Lifestyle connected with Nandita Kalra, supervising counselling psychologist at Rocket Health, who revealed a deeper, underlying psychological reason for this behaviour.
Why can't men open up to their own friends?
The psychologist explained that early family and societal conditioning teach boys to stay tough.
“A lot of men grow up with quiet rules like ‘handle it yourself’ and ‘don’t be too emotional.’ So even when they trust their friends deeply, opening up can feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar,” Nandita shared, suggesting how safe spaces feel foreign and unsafe for feelings because of the early conditioning.
Men also fear how they are perceived. Since childhood, they have been told that showing emotion is weak, and they associate expressing emotions with being emasculated.
The psychologist too pointed this out, emphasising the perception men carry regarding emotional expression."What often stops them from being candid isn’t lack of trust; it’s the fear of judgment, appearing ‘less masculine,’ or not knowing how to articulate their emotional world," she said, describing the kind of internal conflict men may face.
This sheds light on a troubling reality. It may appear to those around that men are emotionally stoic and detached, but they are fully capable of expressing. It is their conditioning that keeps them anchored to inhibitions about how they will be perceived, making it a task to reach out even to their closest friends.
Nandita reiterated the internal conflict that while men do want emotional closeness, they don't always have the strength to override their conditioning enough to initiate it, which creates a ‘gap.’
5 tips for men to talk about their feelings with friends
Opening up can be a gradual process, and you can start with baby steps to ease the discomfort that makes you squirm during vulnerable conversations.
1. Start with something small, not your whole life story
First up, as mentioned before, take baby steps, and psychologist Nandita also recommended sharing small stresses of the day.“You don’t need to jump straight into your deepest pain. Begin with something light, like ‘work’s been stressful,’ or ‘I’ve been a bit off lately,'” the psychologist described. “When you ease into it, vulnerability feels less scary and more natural.”
With tiny steps, you train yourself to view vulnerability as low-risk instead of whatever catastrophically overwhelming image you have in your mind, like your friends will laugh at you. This also builds the habit of sharing real problems in your friend group. Slowly building up makes you more confident to open up.
2. Talk during an activity
Next up is, when do you talk about it? When you are the centre of the conversation and all eyes are on you, you feel anxious and may even reconsider the entire idea. Nandita suggested having a vulnerable conversation in motion, such as during any activity.
She described, “It is generally seen that men often connect best when the focus isn’t fully on the conversation. Try opening up while driving, walking, playing a sport, or even gaming. Side-by-side talking lowers the awkwardness and helps you feel safer being honest.” This way, conversations feel less stressful and intimidating.
3. Keep the emotions ‘simple’
The third advice the psychologist shared was to use straightforward vocabulary. For clearer communication, simplify what you are saying so it takes less effort to express and is easier for others to understand.
Taking us through how one should go about it, Nandita shared, “Even saying ‘I’m overwhelmed,’ ‘I’m anxious,’ or ‘I’m feeling low’ is enough. Naming the feeling is the first step; it opens the door without overthinking every word.”
Translating emotions into words may feel difficult, especially if you are not used to it much, but the key to it is to identify exactly what you are feeling and name it.
4. Give a small heads-up so it feels less awkward
Another reason men may steer clear of emotional conversations with their friends is because of the perceived awkwardness. Nandita recommended giving your friends a heads-up to solve this issue. “It prepares the other person and also reduces the pressure you might feel while sharing,” she added.
5. Tell them what you need from the conversation
Unwanted advice or criticism is another perceived reaction men may have, which makes them hesitate. But the psychologist shared a solution for this and explained that you need to tell them what exactly you are seeking from them.
“You can guide the conversation with something like, ‘Just hear me out, I don’t need advice,’ or ‘I just need to vent.’ Clear expectations make vulnerability feel much safer," she added.
In the end, it is vital to remember that expressing your emotions doesn't make you weak, dramatic, soft or sappy. It takes the emotional load off and you may approach the problem with better clairty after sharing with your friends.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
